Sunday, December 13, 2009


I was thinking to myself this morning. And for some reason I don't feel like I belong here anymore. As if its my time to leave. But where do I go? When do I leave? I just want a new start. You know, new town with new people. New friends & new hobbies.
Some days I hear whispers from my family. And they kind of view me as a bad example. You know they'll say oh wow, you don't want Journei, my cousin, to end up like her. And when you hear people, that claim to love you, talking about you like that it kind of shatters you & you never look at them the same anymore.
They don't even know I heard that conversation.
I know I'm different I've never wanted to be like the average everyday person. I've always wanted to be special. I've always wanted to leave my mark on the world positively. I'll never change that for anyone. Don't people know that when youth are growing up & trying to figure out life we all make mistakes but the question is DID WE LEARN FROM THAT MISTAKE. I've learned from every mistake I've ever made so that I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. But you've got to remember I'm only 22 which means I've only got 22 years of experience and lessons. And a lifetime of more experiences and lessons. I'm not perfect. Yet why do people expect perfection from me? I have a cousin, Britt. No one ever expected her to do too well in life because she barely graduated from high school. And seemed on a left fielded path to nothingness. But then she got her life together & now she's doing well. I'm extremely proud of her. My thing is why do people expect more from me than her. And the results of those uneven expectations is that when she needs help everyone JUMPS to help her. Yet let me ask for help, people act as if I haven't said anything. And the realisation of it hurts to the core.
It just feels as though I'm not good enough for my family. And I want out. I want to go away where they can't hurt me anymore with their stares, with their comments, with their actions.
And because I haven't lived up to their expectations, now I'm the forgotten. At least until they need me to do something. Then they can remember that I exist.

But someday I'll look back at this and say that was my motivation to really BE somebody special that can leave a positive mark on society. When I've reached my goal in life. I'll look back and tell them thank you for doubting me because that made me stronger.

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